Created with (I don't think I'm obligated to include that but it's a nice gesture)

  • Dave Namery

The Ideal Office Desk

I don't even really know how to describe this; I found it in my Google Docs and I wrote it while I was at work and very board. It's basically an essay about the Ideal Office Desk and it's very funny. Enjoy.

Over the last few decades, great minds have debated over what entails the proper office desk setup. The office desked can be traced back to ancient Mesopotamia, where the office desk was simply comprised of three stones. Two shorter stones to serve as supports, with a third long stone laid across the top. Naturally, they had rolling chairs. This was before the great office chair sacrifice which took place in 1251 BC. Astoundingly, not a single office chair survived; it amounted to one of the most large scale genocides in human history. It is seldom discussed; undoubtedly a dark topic and a major blemish in our history. Since those ancient times, the office desk has grown and morphed. In this essay, I will argue the merits of a proper office desk set up; the do’s and don'ts. Throughout my extensive research I have managed to pinpoint the cornerstone of a proper office desk, and it starts...with the corners.

Of all the debate which surrounds office desks, perhaps the one aspect most scholars and researchers agree on are the corners. Ninety degrees. Not one more, not one less. The corners must be sharp. For one thing, it is aesthetically pleasing. But that isn’t the most important aspect contributing to the universal agreement with regards to corners. Second, we must consider the fact that we aren’t playing beer pong. Is this a college party? You’re going to round out the edges of your table? Really? Are we at a college frat party and we are playing beer pong? Really? Are you kidding me? Rounded corners? Might as well make it foldable for Christ’s sake. Might as well, might as well- here do this listen you should do this get on top of a fucking RV. Yea like a big bus like a tour bus. Get on top of that. Well actually first, go to a Buffalo Bills game. Get absolutely hammered, form a big group of drunken buffoons. Get on top of that RV, jump off the RV, piledrive that pathetic excuse for a table, break your arm, don’t notice it’s broken because you are so drunk. That’s what you should do with your rounded corner office table. There’s no place for that. And the third reason is the threat of danger. If I want my employee to work hard, I need to have the ability to slam his or her head into the sharp corner of a wooden table. Am I going to do it? Probably not. But the threat has to be there. And now we have the foundation for our ideal office desk!

The corners are simply the beginning. In order to have the office desk of a champion, it’s going to take much more. We’re going to need drawers. As many drawers as possible. My personal perspective is that you cannot have enough drawers. Within my drawers I can keep everything, and out of view from my compatriots. I can keep pens in there, scrap paper, notepads, tuna salad, biometric measurement devices, racial superiority, pontificating indigenous authoritarians. There is no limit to what you can keep in a drawer. My practical recommendation is to have at least 4 drawers.

Now we have reached the pinnacle. The top of the table. This is, as the kids might say, “where the magic happens” haha fake laughter. I wrote that down. I wrote haha fake laughter. And those last two sentences. I wrote haha fake laughter, then I wrote: I wrote that down, then I wrote: I wrote haha fake laughter and I’m pretty sure if I continue down this path this is how I open another dimension. So I will stop. You absolutely must have a stapler. I cannot stress this enough. A classic stapler, no stapler guns unless you are a manager and you want to use another delightful fear tactic. Besides that, very important to have a classical stapler. You look to the right, what do you see? I’ll tell you what you’re gonna see; what you had better be seeing. You need to have manila folders. They need to be labeled. There needs to be paper in there. What does the paper mean? It doesn’t matter. What do the labels mean? It doesn’t matter. What do the folders mean? You’re productive. That’s what they mean. Essentially, the primary factor is this: The ideal Office desk is one which is built firmly on a foundation of lies. What else are you gonna see on the right? Good question. A calendar. A big one. It’s gonna take up most of the desk. What are you going to do with it? Nothing. You aren’t going to use it. You can use your phone for appointments. Outlook is a perfectly good alternative as well. You are never going to use that calendar. But god damnit you better have that fucking calendar so help me god.

As we peer over to the left we notice something so pivotal, so emblematic, so denotative, so revered, so exalted, So-journer Truth. As I look to left I see a coffee mug. Not just any coffee mug, there are going to be words on it. Not just any words, there are going to be corny words on it. Let me give you an example. It is gonna say something like “I just can’t today, good thing I have my coffee. For who would I be without my coffee?” And then you are going to take it too literally and have an existential crisis where you start to question if you are the true cause of your own success or if all this time it’s just been the coffee.” It’s going to say that whole thing on the mug. Every word I just said. You know what, keep this too. I like it. Best selling mug.

We’re gonna look a little further to the left, this table is almost done. This table is fantastic, I have the documents to prove it. The experts have spoken, 9 out of 10 dentists agree, this table is fantastic. Let’s keep it going. As I peer more to the left what is that I see? Is that a calculator? Boy howdy it is! It really is a calculator! Well how bout that, I’ll be damned! Okay, pick up the calculator. Smash it. Smash it on the ground. Stomp on it. It’s over for that calculator. He was talkin shit. I can literally google math equations. I don’t need a damn calculator taking up real estate. What is this, office desk amateurs? Is this essay called office desk amateurs?

If you follow these simple guidelines for office desk success, you’ll certainly have a bright future. You might even make off the cuff rhymes like office desk success without even trying.