How to Make Reliable Passive Income
You might be confused while reading this. A lot of your questions will be answered throughout the piece. I ask that you have patience. At least 20% of this will make sense by the time you are finished.
That’s right mother fucker.
Oh you don’t believe me? Give it a scroll. Yea scroll through that shit. That’s real.
It’s all done today too, it will be very apparent that it was all written today if you read through. I have a creeping suspicion that a lot of you FRAUDS are simply posting writing that you did long ago. That’s exactly what I would do if I was a big phony.
But maybe you are legitimate, I’m willing to operate under that assumption. I am quite hungover and still I wrote 10,000 words that’s amazing.
Well I haven't written it yet. This is just the exposition that I would’ve written if it was already done, which it’s not.
I’m not even sure what the 10,000 words will be about. I am not in the business of writing outlines. Outlines are for cowards who don’t trust their instincts. (What are you talking about? Outlines are actually very helpful and maybe your writing wouldn’t be so rambly and incoherent if you actually used them.)
Some of these essays are like my own personal version of Notes From Underground. Except there aren’t any profound lessons about human nature.
Anyway, let’s get into this 10,000 words what do you say folks!
And it will be exactly ten thousand. I might need to end in the middle of a sentence, I don’t care. When I post this to the group, it’s going to say 4/4/2020: 10,000 words. That’s all. No comment.
You are going to see that and think to yourself surely he must be mistaken. Surely that must be a typo, and really he meant to say 1,000 words.
But you will be mistaken. And you will come here to investigate my claim. Perhaps you are here right now. Perhaps you are reading this sentence. This sentence right here. If you are, I thank you for joining me. I am also superior to you in every conceivable way. (Dave, if you tell them you are superior, don’t you think that makes you unlikable? And then will people even read your writing? Ohhhh I see what you’re doing. You are getting them to stop reading now so you can just copy and paste something from Wikipedia. That’s fuckin genius man. Good shit!)
I’m not going to do that but it is a good idea. You can do it, it would suit you. Because you are a fraud, I was talking about that earlier remember? I know that there’s supposed to be a comma between earlier and remember. “Supposed to be” you keep following the writing rules ok? I’m making my own rules. You would’ve been a Nazi, you know that? I hope you know that.
I didn’t put the comma there because I didn’t want you to pause. That’s not how I wanted you to read it. Don’t limit your writing so much by following the rules! But...you need to know the rules to break the rules. You can’t be out here breaking them by accident because then everyone knows that you don’t know them.
It’s like this. I know that I am not supposed to start sentences with “and” or “but”. But I don’t care. And neither should you!
Anyway, here we go 10,000 words buckle up.
I am going to actually make a slight effort to make it readable. I doubt that anyone is going to read the whole thing. I am not even going to read the whole thing. My eyes are closed while I write this just so I don’t need to be assaulted by the mediocrity.
By the way, the slight effort that I will put forth is more than you deserve. You deserve nothing.
Also, we are in the midst of a global pandemic right now and it is completely the fault of the Chinese. I only add that part so that you know, unequivocally, that this was written today.
Although I suppose that doesn’t necessarily serve as definitive proof so I will go on to say that it is about 56 degrees outside and sunny in Bergen County, NJ.
I just don’t want you to take me for a liar.
I am a liar, to be sure, but I don’t want you to take me for one. The best way to be a liar is to have everyone think you are actually a truther. A 9/11 truther.
No but I mean seriously, that’s the best way to be a liar is when people think you are telling the truth. (Yea, no shit Dave. Why are you wasting our time with this garbage?)
I don’t know! Why are you still reading?!
Anyway, alright no more funny business let’s get this 10,000 words play boy. (Read that in Theo Von’s voice, just the last half of the sentence. Do that for me? Thank you. You’re a good boy. (Unless you’re a girl.))
This is an essay.
Throughout the duration of this essay I will utilize evidence, both anecdotal and empirical, to prove nothing. In proving nothing, I will elevate the human race to new heights just as Nietzsche intended. For I am the ubermensch.
Jesus Christ man we aren’t even at 1,000 words yet. I may have bit off more than I can chew. Saying ‘bit’ there instead of ‘bitten’ makes the sentence grammatically incorrect but I needed to maintain the integrity of the saying.
You are probably wondering why I brought you here. Looking around, all you see are bright lights. No wait, those aren’t lights...oh God! What are those?! Those are...those are! No wait those are lights. Oops. It was weird, for a second I was like hang on a minute there bucko, those aren’t lights. But then later on I was like oh wait a second those are lights. I mean you just saw it, you just saw all of that take place in real time.
^What was that? That was very strange it made no sense. Once again I am aware that there should be a comma between “strange” and “it” but, once again, eat dicks!
World War 2: The Eastern Front
The relationship between Hitler and Stalin is a very interesting one.
Many of us learn about World War 2 but from the American perspective. That perspective focuses heavily on battles such as Normandy in the European theater, and Midway in the Pacific theater.
It is a travesty that more attention is not paid to the Eastern Front of Germany. This is where the real brutality was.
What made this part of the conflict more brutal than the rest?
Seriously? I am going to get to that. Obviously. Why don’t you just chill out? Don’t ask stupid questions that are certainly going to be answered. I know you wrote it as a rhetorical question but it still bothered me. In fact, I don’t know if I even want to tell you anymore. You have really done it this time.
Who are you talking to? Are you talking to yourself again? Can you just go back to talking about World War 2 I think you were about to get a lot of words in.
Ok fine but I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for the words.
To tell you the truth, I don’t fucking care if you’re doing it for me or whoever. I don’t even care if you’re doing it for the Chinese!
Woah. You don’t mean that. You know we have beef with the Chinese.
Beef and broccoli!
World War 2: The Eastern Front, Continued…
Few conflicts in human history consisted of as much brutality as was displayed in the Western Soviet Union. (I know that earlier in the essay I said that it was Eastern Germany. I think that I said that. That was not correct, I mean I guess technically it is correct since they took over the land between themselves and the Soviet Union. So you could make the argument that the fighting took place in Eastern Germany, but really that would be inaccurate. I am no historian. But for the sake of accuracy I’m going to say the Western Soviet Union. I hope you forgive me. No, actually fuck you.)
A treaty was signed at the Hague after World War 1. I don’t remember when it was signed exactly. I am not sure what the Hague is either. But I know that they do international shit there.
All of the countries involved in World War 1, I think, and probably some other countries too signed this treaty. They were basically like, “let’s fight like gentlemen if we go to war. No more poison gas Germany!” And then Germany was like “hey but you guys also used it” and the other countries were like “yea but you started it which was whack.”
So the treaty was signed by allllll the nations. Well...almost all the nations….not the Soviet Union.
What did this mean for the Eastern Front?
“WhAt DiD tHiS mEaN fOr ThE eAsTeRn FrOnT?” Do you know how stupid you sound? And you are asking more rhetorical questions even after I snapped at you the last time? I’m beginning to think that this is a deliberate plot to bother me. The first time I was willing to cut you some slack. I assumed that your intentions were good; that you simply wanted to push the story forward. But now? Now I have severe doubts about your sincerity. And that means that I don’t even know if we can work together any longer. I am telling you for the last time, your insubordination will not be tolerated.
Jeeze, alright. *Mutters under breath* ...who gets that mad about rhetorical questions…
What was that?!
This meant that on the Eastern Front there were no rules.
And when there are no rules in war, people die in very gruesome ways!
Oh, but we are getting to that part too soon. I haven’t done enough exposition to really make that part hit home. So we need to back up, I’m already in 1940 I think or maybe 1941 but we need to start a little while before that.
When Hitler was a young man he was actually somewhat handsome. Nothing too crazy, but you can find some old photos there is one where he has a full beard and I’m like hey, the guy can pull off a full beard.
That doesn’t mean you have to like the guy. You can be honest in saying that he looks good with a full beard and still think he’s a monster. I’m just saying.
Once he had the signature mustache I never found him handsome, I feel like that was his biggest mistake. Either that or invading Russia, but I lean toward the mustache.
Oh, check this out.
In World War 1 there was trench warfare. You know what trench warfare is right? You don’t? Ok, you’re an idiot, please stop reading.
But if you do know, then you know how dangerous “no man’s land” was.
Ok, here, I’ll explain briefly. Basically, there are two lines of trenches. Oh shit! Wait a second! I’ll just make a diagram below. Here, watch:
No Man’s Land
---------------------------------------French Trench (Haha that rhymes)-----------------------------------------
Now, if you were inside the trench then you were kinda safe. I mean, you were still in the middle of a major war with lots of artillery and snipers, but in the trench you were as safe as it was gonna be on the front lines.
Between the trenches, in no man’s land, that shit was dangerous as fuck. But what are you gonna do, just sit your trenches until the war is over? No! You need to win some battles. So there would be times where soldiers would need to run across no man’s land into the enemy trenches. It was a suicide mission in most cases.
Here is a story:
There was an officer who found himself gunned down in the middle of no man’s land. He was still moving, but barely. Severely wounded. He would not survive the night if someone didn’t pull him back over to the trench.
A soldier sees his beloved officer laying there, dying. What does he do? He does the most courageous thing a person could possibly do.
Our soldier friend fearlessly runs into no man’s land, dodging bullets and artillery. He is staring death in the face and not backing down.
He reaches his officer, heroically throws him over his shoulder, and rushes back to the trench.
The officer would later die, but does that matter here? What matters is that this soldier- our soldier, our hero- ran out into certain death in order to save his officer. That is what being human is all about in the end, isn’t it?
Well, that soldier was Hitler. Ha! I love doing that to people. Because a second ago you were like “wow, this fella is a hero!” and now you are disgusted that you felt that way about Hitler but that story is completely true.
At one point Hitler writes a book. (Why did I change to present tense?) That book is called Mein Kampf. I have read it, pretty dry. There are moments, but the guy was a way better dictator than author. Honestly the best parts are when he’s going on about the Jews and the Bolsheviks. You can really feel the passion. A lot of people think that’s what the whole book is about. If only that were the case. It would be a better book.
Anyway, this is an important point. Because yes, Hitler hates the Jews, we know this. He writes about it extensively in Mein Kampf.
However, and fewer people know this, Hitler hates communists almost equally as much. Soviet Union was a communist nation.
Put a pin in this we will come back to it.
When Stalin was an up and coming totalitarian, he was even far more handsome than Hitler. That seems to be a theme amongst European dictators. Well, I don’t know if that’s a theme I think I just made that up.
It does make me feel more qualified to be a dictator myself, since I am very handsome much like Young Stalin.
Ohhhh shit, you should look this up. Actually, hang on let me get a link to the video. I just remembered this it’s really interesting.
Ok I can’t find it I was looking for a while. Maybe you can find it, it’s a video of Stalin walking out to give a speech for a TON of people. But the thing is, the Soviet Union was literally a nation of fear. The person to fear the most might be the person right next to you.
One of the ways that manifested itself was that, if you were the first person to stop clapping for Stalin (for example), people would take that as a sign that you don’t like him. That you are a traitor! And they would report you! And you would get 10 years of forced labor in the gulag!
So when Stalin went to give speeches, people would clap forever. It’s actually amazing, and there is one video where he walks out to the podium to give a speech. People are clapping and cheering for like 4-5 minutes straight. And you can see that Stalin is clearly annoyed at a certain point. Like after a few minutes of the cheering he’s just like “alright I get it, chill.” It is so fascinating and kind of hilarious, the video is out there on YouTube but like I said I can’t find it.
Anyway, at least in the “congress” (I forget what the Soviet communist version was called) he had a buzzer put in that allowed people to stop clapping. I put a video link for that below.
How funny is that, though? Dude made people so terrified and made himself so exalted that he had to invent a buzzer for people to stop clapping for him. That’s why he’s my favorite dictator!!
Anyway, Stalin is also a very bad public speaker. He is such a fascinating figure.
When you watch Hitler speak, he would get the people going. He was a very gifted orator. Especially for a nation that was broken and angry; his way of speaking reflected the emotions of the German people.
In that sense, you can see why he rose to power the way that he did.
But with Stalin, he’s not charismatic at all. When he gives speeches he looks uncomfortable. He reads them most of the time. Stalin definitely ruled more with fear than charisma. Surely, he read The Prince.
Stalin and Hitler
Remember how I said keep a pin in that thought about Hitler writing about how much he hates communists?
Well, Stalin is well aware of that.
When I first learned about the relationship between Hitler and Stalin I was like, ohhh Stalin must’ve not read the book.
Nope, he totally read the book, which makes what happened even more inconceivable.
At first, Stalin doesn’t like Hitler because he knows this stuff. When did this become a history essay. I was just thinking to myself how did I get here? I am breaking the fourth wall right now if that was confusing. That was my intention. I am a monster.
When Hitler is rising to power, Stalin has already been in charge for over a decade. So Stalin looks on with interest. And at this point Stalin has already killed lots and lots of people.
They had different styles of mass killing, Adolf and Joseph.
Joseph was a big fan of starvation. He would make people starve. And then when they died, he would just pretend that they never existed in the first place. Again, there are many reasons why he’s my fave, this is definitely one of them.
If you know anything about Joseph, however, it’s that he is paranoid. Very very paranoid. Famously paranoid. He trusted no one.
Somehow, through a sequence of events, Hitler becomes the one guy that he trusts.
I don’t remember how that happens. I have only read one book about this called Stalingrad by Antony Beevor. It’s a book about Stalingrad. Which is a battle that happened. Spoiler alert: all the Germans die.
But yeah, somehow Hitler becomes Stalin’s guy. Stalin is all like “that’s my guy” and Hitler is all like “I’m that guy’s guy.” It was a simpler time.
At this point it’s 1940 and things are really heating up in Europe. I think it’s 1940 at least. Poland has been conquered and Hitler says to Stalin “you want half?” so Stalin does take half.
At this point Joseph has no reason to mistrust Adolf. I mean, except for the WHOLE BOOK ABOUT HOW MUCH HE HATES BOLSHEVIKS. Cmon Joe, how’d you not see this coming?
Germany starts positioning it’s military along the entire Soviet border. For the sake of comparison (Dan Carlin describes it this way in Hardcore History which is a really good podcast), it’s like the distance from Boston to Miami.
Imagine that, Boston to Miami a GIGANTIC ARMY with millions of troops. And Hitler is getting ready to go; he's revving the war machine up.
Meanwhile, in Russia: Stalin is getting reports of German activity along the border. So he starts preparing his military for war, right? Right?? Please tell me he starts getting the nation ready for war…
He doesn’t believe the reports! He thinks it’s a British trick! To get the Soviet Union to declare war on Germany!
Listen, in Stalin’s defense, that is totally something that Britain would do. No one is better at propaganda or trickery like that than the British they are fucking legendary.
Regardless, he doesn’t believe these reports.
Still, he sends a message over to his buddy Adolf. He says “hey my guy, you finna invade my naish?” (paraphrase)
Hitler basically says no don’t be ridiculous! I’m simply building up my army in the East so the British can’t see it with their planes! This way, I can surprise the Brits with a far bigger army than they expect!
Stalin is like “omg that’s a great idea! Ok, phew, I thought it was something like that. Cuz I got all these peeps over here telling me ur gonna attack and I’m like Adolf? Attack? Guys, that’s my guy.”
A few days later, Hitler attacks. OBVIOUSLY.
Listen to how crazy it got, though. Spies were coming to Stalin- he had this epic spy network. Spies were coming to him being like “DUDE THEY ARE GONNA ATTACK!” Stalin is such a nut he starts KILLING THEM. He is so convinced that they are lying, that this is a British trick, that he starts killing the spies who are telling him there’s an incoming German attack.
Ok this is a little ridiculous. It’s 3:00pm I haven’t been writing for that long but it’s been at least an hour I presume.
When you are really on a roll while writing, time feels different. It’s possible that I’ve been writing this for 20 minutes and it’s also possible that I’ve been writing this for an hour and 20 minutes. I don’t know.
And yet, I’m not even at 4,000 words yet. I am now completely regretting my commitment to writing 10,000 words. I am only going to do this once, by the way. For the month I mean.
I’m sure I will write 10,000 words after this and many times after that. But for the purposes of this writing competition, I will do this once.
The only reason I’m doing this is to be the unequivocal champion.
I know that this is not a real competition and we are just doing this to support one another and write instead of being lazy.
I DON’T CARE. I MUST WIN.
And so, with this essay, I will.
But it is not easy. I thought this would be easier, when I finished that paragraph about Stalin I thought to myself I must be over 6,000 words by now but alas…
What about now? I want to check but I shouldn’t. Probably still not even at 4,000 words. Don’t check Dave. Don’t do it. Don’t do it you son of a bitch.
I did it.
Still not at 4,000 Jesus Christ man what the fuck.
I don’t feel like writing about Stalin and Hitler anymore so I’m going to completely abandon that and write about something else.
If you are disappointed and you want to hear more about Stalin and Hitler, simply kill yourself.
Haha, just kidding. Hope you didn’t actually do that! No, what I should’ve said was READ A BOOK. And then you’ll at least know that most of what you’re reading is accurate. The stuff that I wrote above...who knows if that’s true? I might’ve made most of that up. Oh, that reminds me of a story that might be historically accurate but also might not be.
16. Our greatest leader. The Man in the Top Hat. (I don’t know if people referred to him as “The Man in the Top Hat”. I don’t think they did. I think I made that up.)
Do you want to hear a cool story about good ol’ honest Abey Baby?
I suppose it doesn’t really matter what your answer is. Does that mean...oh god...does that mean...it was a rhetorical question?
Ha! You did it this time!
You were getting so mad at me before! For using rhetorical questions! And now you just did it!
I know...I know I’m not proud of it ok?
You are a big hypocrite!
I know that, I literally say that all the time. I fully admit that I am a hypocrite about almost everything, and I just choose not to care. So when people accuse me of acting like a hypocrite, I agree and then I get to find it funny that they are mad.
You just never let anyone win, huh? You always have to have the last laugh.
Are you still reading? If you are still reading I can’t believe you. Why are you doing this to yourself?! LOL!
But that’s cool that you’re still here. I was starting to get lonely :(
Here’s the cool story about Ham. (Ham is the nickname I call people who are named Abraham. A lot of people go with Abe. I find that offensive mostly because Abraham doesn’t have an E. So they are taking liberties with that nickname. I, like Abe, am an honest man. So I call Abrahams Hams. Does that make sense?)
Once upon a time Ham was the president of These United States.
He had a secretary of state at the time whose last name was Seward. Or at least I think that was his last name. As for his first name, I don’t remember that.
There’s also this fella McClellan. Also forgot his first name. McClellan is the commander of the Army of the Potomac. (There I go again randomly switching to present tense). That’s the big army stationed up by Washington DC.
Reports put the southern army somewhere near DC, they are pretty far north. Far enough north that Ham wants his boy McClellan to take the Army of the Potomac and ATTACK!
But here’s the thing about McClellan. And the best way for me to describe this is with an analogy. Well, actually, the best way to describe it would be to just describe it. But an analogy will take more words to explain. Here is the analogy:
There is a video game called Warcraft 3.
It is a fun video game.
I like that video game.
Sometimes I play that video game.
I have a friend who plays that video game.
We play together, sometimes.
^That was a poem.
But it wasn’t the analogy. Here is the analogy:
Ah, wait, I gotta explain the game real quick.
Warcraft 3 is a RTS. Or a Real-Time Strategy game. Basically, you play from above and you are “God”. You can build armies and move them around and build bases etc.
Well, when playing Warcraft 3 I always build up DOPE ARMIES. And I like to make my home base really vast and elaborate and shit. I have a lot of fun building everything up.
But when it comes to fighting...I don’t want to! Because then my awesome army is gonna get killed! Even if they win, so many will die! I’ll have to spend so much money replacing the army! Just to go out and get killed again!
So I play like a huge pussy, you see? And I always lose as a result!
Back to American History
The reason I brought that up is because McClellan commanding the Army of the Potomac is like me playing Warcraft 3.
He does not want to send his precious army into battle.
Over and over again he makes excuses as to why the army cannot mount an attack against the south. And time and time again, Ham gets pissed off. He’s like what am I paying this guy for??
Finally, Ham goes listen here bucko, you are going to attack and that’s that. But McClellan says “ok but there’s a problem there’s nowhere for me to land the army on the river.” (He was going to need to go down river to attack.)
Here’s what Ham does, it’s so badass it’s why he’s the GOAT president.
He goes to where McClellan and the army are stationed. He waits until night. At night, he gets in a row-boat with Seward. The two of them ride down the river until they find a place for the army to land!!
Do you see what I’m saying here? McClellan was being a little bitch and kept saying we can’t attack. Ham GOES DOWN THERE HIMSELF AND GETS IN A BOAT AND HE FINDS A PLACE WHERE THEY CAN ATTACK.
In the end, McClellan thought of some other reason not to attack and so he didn’t. Still, it’s a cool story. I’m also not sure if it’s a true story. But I think it is.
How many words you think we’re at by now? Probably past halfway right?
Ugh, that is depressing to think about. I feel like I’ve been writing for so long and I only have half as many words as I need.
There is really no reason for me to be doing this. I am doing this for my own ego. Just to show you all that I am better than you. I hope that, at the very least, when you see that I wrote 10,000 words...I hope you feel bad about yourself. Okay? Can you do that for me? Can you feel bad? Good boy. Or girl.
I just stopped to look at my phone. That is a catastrophic mistake.
I have come too far to lose my concentration. Maintaining concentration is the only way I’m going to pull this off.
I keep starting all my sentences with “I” that’s such boring writing Dave. Eyeroll.
I will say this, I have never written this many words in one sitting. When you start to write in big marathons like this you respect authors a lot more, right?
Because I am writing this with no extra thought. Just enough thought to make the words go from my brain to my fingers to the keyboard. But no more than that, and this won’t be edited. I’ll post it and forget about it forever.
But to write a whole book? And a good book is at least 100,000 words. But doesn’t this mean that I’m at least capable of writing a book? I’m not saying it would be good. But I am about to write what would be about one tenth of a book in a single sitting. Although no one would buy this book. If they did, they’d be a huge sucker.
That gives me an idea…
Here’s My Idea
I am going to take this essay, if you want to call it that, and I am going to expand on it over the next two weeks. In that time, I am going to make this a total of 112,618 words. Why such a specific number? I have no idea.
Once this is 112,618 words, I’m going to have it published. But instead of calling it what it should be called, which would be something like Don’t Read This it’s a Waste of Time, I’m going to call it How to Make Reliable Passive Income.
Haha! Wouldn’t that be funny?!
And that is so meta!
Let me explain what I mean.
People would buy this book thinking that they are going to find out how to make reliable passive income. By the time they are a page or two in, they are going to realize that they have been scammed and that they are not, in fact, going to learn how to make passive income.
Meanwhile, every time someone buys the book I MAKE RELIABLE PASSIVE INCOME. SO TECHNICALLY THE TITLE OF THE BOOK IS NOT A LIE, I JUST DID NOT SPECIFY WHO IS MAKING THE RELIABLE PASSIVE INCOME.
I am so smart.
It really makes me jealous of other people who get to live their regular lives without thinking of fucking brilliant ideas all the time.
You think it’s cool, but it’s really a curse. No one man should have all this power. Kanye said that, and he and I are fellow geniuses. He may have gotten a little extra dose of the vaccine, but he is still a genius.
But I am a God Emperor. Genius is a prerequisite, but God Emperor is obviously far more than mere genius. I spit on geniuses. I spit on them. No I don't.
There was a Peruvian man living in Bolivia. His name was Not Important. I am not going to tell you his name. I only capitalized Not Important to make you think that that was his actual name. But it’s not, I’m just obfuscating. Did I use that word right?
This Peruvian man in Bolivia- by the way, Peruvians are my least favorite Hispanic people I think.
This Peruvian man, who was in Bolivia at the time, wore a shirt with an apple on it. I think it was a Macintosh apple. Not like the computer, I mean like the actual apple. It was a red apple, it could’ve been Macintosh but there are at least five different types of apples that are red. This particular apple on this Peruvian man’s shirt, the Peruvian man who was in Bolivia at the time, could’ve been any type of red apple to be honest. When I said it was a Macintosh apple I had no evidence to back up that claim. I just said it, and I’m sorry that I deceived you. This is the only apology you are going to get in this entire 10,000 epic. I even told you to kill yourself earlier, remember? And I didn’t apologize for that. I didn’t feel like I had to. But lying to you about the type of apple on the Peruvian man’s shirt? (The Peruvian man who was in Bolivia at the time). That made me feel some type of way. Apologies were made. It’s time to move on.
He would wear that same shirt every day. But it would never get dirty…
“How is that possible?!” People would ask. He quickly became the talk of the town, and then the talk of all Bolivia, and then the talk of South America. By the way, South America is not a myth. It’s a real continent. I only say that because I overheard this couple taking a walk the other day and they were saying that South America is a myth. Hey, couple who thinks South America is a myth, fuck you.
You can tell them I said that if you see them.
People were ASTONISHED by this Peruvian, even though he was in Bolivia, man’s shirt. When they would ask him how it’s possible that he could wear the same shirt every day, the shirt with the apple on it that was definitely a Macintosh apple and I’m so certain it was a Macintosh apple, and have it never get dirty.
That last sentence made my head hurt. Writing the sentence made my head hurt, and then reading the sentence back made it hurt even more.
When the people would ask, he would always say the same thing, this Peruvian man who was in Bolivia at the time.
He would say, “If the popsicle stick were falling at the same rate as the tissue cloth what would that say about the gravitational atmosphere?”
Now, obviously, that would mean that they were in a vacuum. Right? Is that what that would mean? Or at least there was no wind resistance. But wouldn’t that mean it was a vacuum?
Anyway, yea the guy was in a vacuum I guess. Fin.
Guys, I don’t know if you can tell, but I am getting desperate. We just passed 6,000 words. I don’t know if I have 4,000 more words in me.
WHAT AM I SAYING. OF COURSE I DO. I ONCE WROTE A 4,000 WORD ARTICLE ABOUT THE 7 BEST VALUE DOG CLIPPERS. I WAS COMPENSATED $40 FOR THAT ARTICLE.
But based on the last section it would appear that as I wring out my brain like a wet towel, things get more and more bizarre.
I mean, I’m still here consciously. But there is a force that is taking over and at certain points I don’t even know what I am typing. I’m reading the words just as you are. The Muse has struck me and I have no control over her. She just writes whateverthefuck.
“The Muse” is from this book I read called The War of Art. Not the art of war, the war of art. You’ve probably heard of it. It’s not bad. Somewhat inspiring. Very easy read you can do it in one sitting.
Aw you know what book sucks? The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. That is a bad book. Don’t read that book.
You know what book slaps? The Institute by Stephen King. I like that book. That book slaps.
One time I went to Barnes & Noble.
I forget what book I was buying. Maybe I was making a huge mistake and buying The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I can’t believe I read that. What a hack I am. Loser.
I don’t remember what book I was buying. Anyway, I went over to purchase the book. I just walked up to the empty register.
The cashier was like “Um...you need to wait in line.”
And I didn’t see a line. So I thought she was making a jape. So I kinda just ignored it. And then she got mad at me but she still just rang me up.
Then, as I turned to leave, I saw that there was in fact a line. It was allll the way on the other side of the registers.
There were at least 10 people on that line. Innocent people. Many of them women and children. And I….I cut them. In cold blood, I cut them. They did nothing to deserve what I did to them. And you know what?
I liked it…(monster!)
The wheels in my brain have officially stopped turning. My brain is leading the resistance.
Go outside Dave! Stop writing, go get some exercise it’ll feel good!
Shut up! I am determined to do this. I am on the home stretch too! Only 3,500 more words to go. And you would have me abandon my work? And for what? Good health?! I spit on you! I spit on you and your good health!
That seems to be your go-to move. Spitting on people. Do you actually spit on people?
Of course I don’t actually spit on people you buffoon. And why would you need to ask me whether or not it’s true? You are me. We are the same person. We’re just externalizing an internal argument.
I know that, dumbass. Are you so vaccinated that you really don’t see what I’m doing?
Ohhhh. I see. You are just doing this for the sake of more words. Because things had really hit a halt and now you are trying to get me going again so I can actually accomplish my goal of writing 10,000 words in one sitting.
That’s cool, but then why are you giving me a one word answer?
I suppose that was in poor taste. Since all we are trying to do right now, in reality, is produce a lot of words. But I’m over here, well first of all I’m berating you. Which you totally deserve you know you do, because you’ve been very mean to the reader. I was watching you say mean things I was like why is he doing that? But then at the same here I am, berating you, and then giving you one word answers which is uncool so I apologize.
I thought you said that you were only going to apologize once throughout the duration of this essay.
No, you said that. I can apologize as much as I want. Plus, you said that you would only apologize once to the reader. You can apologize to yourself, or I can apologize to myself, and it wouldn’t make you a liar.
But doesn’t being a Jew inherently make me a liar?
Now you’re getting it!
Running through the vast emptiness that is my brain.
Where are the thoughts?
They elude me. Now when I need them the most, they are gone. And I always have so much to say. But when I need the brain to muster up all that strength and creativity, it abandons me.
Brain, why have you forsaken me?
“I forsake thou, for I love thou.”
Oh shit, is this about to get biblical?
“And Dave said unto thee, thoughts will not be provided.”
Ohhhh this is getting biblical!
“For if thoughts were provided, one would do no cultivating of thought. For one to truly think, one must think the thought else the thought think thine.”
That part didn’t make any sense but it did still sound biblical.
A Thought Appears
I mean, to be honest, I know this is pretty much a waste of time and it’s just to win a competition that isn’t actually a competition.
But still, what else would I be doing? I’d probably be playing video games right now if I wasn’t writing this thing. And I’ll play those games, but only after this is done. And we are getting close! How many pages is this? Hang on, I’m checking.
This is already 19 fucking pages! Jesus.
There’s no way anyone is still reading this. I would not believe for a second that anyone would read this far.
But this is the only reason I haven’t copy-pasted about 5,000 words. Because of you. You fuck.
Someday someone will read this and they won’t know why I wrote it because they aren’t in the FaceBook group. (I plan on publishing this posthumously).
There is a group. It is on FaceBook. It’s called the Quarantine Writing Competition or whatever I forget. It’s because there’s a global pandemic going on right now, you guys remember the Coronavirus. As a result, we can’t do comedy.
So Elazar made this group where we are challenged to write 500 words per day for the whole month. 500 words is so easy!
Anyway, one of the people in the group posted like 3,000 words and they thought they were a champion. And so, to show that I am true champion, I endeavored to write 10,000 words on the fifth day of this competition, which is today.
And we are almost there!
The Last 3,000
Here we are, this is not quite the home stretch but it’s like the home stretch of the home stretch.
It would be realllyyyy nice if I could think of something that would quickly take up 1,000 words. Lookin at you, Brain!
Hmmm...ok why don’t you write about soap?
Ok, nevermind. I guess I’m on my own, clearly Brain doesn’t want to help.
What do you mean? I just gave you a suggestion.
Don’t be a cuck! You suggested that I write about soap!
Woah woah, take it easy first of all. You need to relax calling your own Brain a cuck. Second, at least I’m trying. You are out here just pointing fingers and getting mad. Clearly this challenge has changed you as a person.
This hasn’t changed me I’ve been pointing fingers and calling people cucks since I was a lad. And what the heck am I gonna write about soap??
Well, I don’t know. There’s different flavors.
Different scents. You don’t eat soap. You wouldn’t call it a “flavor” you moron. I suppose you could call it a fragrance if you don’t want to say scent. Either would work.
You’re valid. I’ll take the L on that one.
I think you have sufficiently scared any potential readers away at this point. You can go ahead and copy and paste a Wikipedia article now.
I can’t, I have too much integrity.
I know :( Hey, do you think people are gonna think we’re weird now?
What do you mean?
Well, half of this essay has basically been you having a conversation between the two voices in your head. And that’s probably an understatement calling it two voices because it’s probably more than that.
I know but doesn’t everyone do that?
Well then, yes I guess they will think that we’re weird. But who cares what they think? A lion doesn’t concern himself with the opinions of sheep.
Did you really just say that?
Ugh, I know I felt so corny as I was typing it.
Dude, never again.
Plus, you are no lion.
I know, I’m a snake!
The Jewish Problem
We all know they are liars.
We all know they are thieves.
And yet, for some reason, because I want to exterminate them, now I’m the bad guy? How about RATIONAL. Call me the RATIONAL GUY.
If you had a rat infestation in your basement, wouldn’t you set some traps?! Wouldn’t you hire a professional?!
Dave, your anti semitism is going to get us in big trouble eventually. It’s also going to burn some bridges. In fact, it probably already has burned some bridges. It might be the reason why your podcast is now 4.5 stars! You know, your podcast Story Time With Dave, available on Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, and Spotify. Go subscribe and give it 5 stars!
I know, but it’s only a joke. It’s not real anti semitism.
Why can’t you find other things funny? It’s always genocide with you.
But I’m a good boy!
You are, but now you need to show the world.
Does that mean….does that mean I can’t be anti semitic anymore?
No more anti semitism. No more racism, especially not with the Asians.
Well fuuuuuuck that!
I know right? Hahaha I was messing!
You had me there for a minute!! Son of a bitch!
Into My Soul
I feel like you know so much about me now.
In reading this, you have peered into my soul. I hope that at least now you understand that I possess the cunning of a great leader, but I am enough of a sociopath that my reign will be long and bloody.
Let me tell you the first thing that is going to happen when I take over. The first thing is I am going to get rid of anyone who has read this far. You know too much, and you are a liability. And when I say “get rid of you” I mean it’s going to be as though you never existed. I told you Stalin was my fave, so we are doing it the Russian way.
Judicial system is going to have to get some serious changes. We aren’t doing juries anymore Juries are stupid. I don’t believe in being judged by peers. I believe in being judged by God. And in my nation, God is me. So all judges will be replaced my Namery loyalists and whatever they say goes.
These are going to be heavy-handed judges. If it even slightly seems like you don’t worship the state, and therefore me (I am the state), you will be sent to the forced labor camps for TWENTY YEARS. Stalin was famous for his “tenners” or ten year sentences. I’m finna double that bitch. Twenty years HARD LABOR.
Here’s something the libs will like. In my first 100 days I am getting rid of every gun. The citizenry can no longer have guns. They have proven they are not worthy of that right. I don’t care how violent things need to get.
Pro-gun people always say: “If the government wants my guns, they’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands!” Or something like that.
And then anti-gun people respond: “That is so stupid! The government can just carpet bomb your house!”
The stronger argument is actually on the pro-gun side. Just on this one part of it, I’m just saying. Because actually think about the government using the military on citizens to take the guns. Really think about that. Once you do, if you aren’t too vaccinated, you will realize how unviable that is.
The government would have a full blown uprising on their hands. Order would only be restored after thousands, maybe millions were killed. So no, the government really can’t take the guns back. Not forcibly, at least.
Back to Me
Lucky for me, I don’t care if lots of people need to die! So yes, I am taking alllll of those guns and I’m carpet bombing alllll of those homes.
But that’s just the beginning!
Every gun will be replaced by a sword. We are going back to swords! I LOVE SWORDS!!
Not exclusively swords, too. If you want to dual wield daggers, go for it! Battleaxe? By all means! Polearm? Yes! Crossbow? No. No projectiles allowed. Close combat only.
Not only will every person who had a gun receive a sword, even the people who didn’t have guns get swords. EVERYBODY GETS A SWORD! Or battleaxe or mace or whatever.
Think about how cool that would be? I mean I would get to keep my guns because I am God Emperor and God Emperor needs guns, obviously. But I would love to walk around my domain and have a seat in the park and see two people fighting to the death with swords. So cool.
Why would they be fighting?
There is a whole program I’m going to implement. There will be these kiosks all across the nation. All you need to do is bring the body of a fallen foe to the kiosk, prove that they were killed by a sword wound (or axe or mace, etc.), and you will receive $50,000 USD!
Think about that. Four kills per year would comfortably support a family of four or five. It would motivate people to get really good at sword fighting and then all the sword fights would be so much fun to watch!
I mean, have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like the concept, but it’s so fake! That’s the worst part, it’s just not convincing.
Under my administration, there would be the best REAL sword fights to the death! Gosh, I can’t wait, I get so excited!
Hmm what else?
As I alluded to in one of my previous essays, if someone works at a deli and they make you a chicken cutlet sandwich but they don’t heat up the cutlet or melt the cheese, they will be put to death by the sword.
And I’ll do it myself, like Eddard Stark in the opening scene of Game of Thrones. The book, not the show. The show is all wrong. The books are way better. But you are afraid of them because they are long. And you don’t have the attention span to read them. You don’t even have the attention span required to read this essay! So you don’t even attempt to read a long book. 1,000 pages? No shot! You won’t even pick up a 400 page book! Pathetic!
I can see the finish line now, we are in the final 1,500 words of this...whatever this is. This is insanity, that’s what it is. This is basically the most insane thing I’ve ever written, or at least it’s up there. I have written some short stories that are just absurd.
Is that what it’s called?
Yeah, I just googled it. There’s this guy named Albert Camus. It’s pronounced all wrong, but that’s his name. I feel bad for the guy I’m like wow, this guy can’t even pronounce his own name.
Anyway, and look I still don’t want you to think I am copy and pasting from previous essays. This is a totally legit 10,000 words in one sitting. Coronavirus. Governor Cuomo. Roughly 300,000 cases in the US. I am just randomly writing new sections as things pop into my head, that’s what’s happening here. If you haven’t gathered that by now, you are probably vaccinated.
Albert Camus, the guy who doesn’t know how to pronounce his own name, created this form of philosophy called “absurdism” which I love. He wrote a few books, they are kinda hard to read from what I understand.
Most philosophy is hard to read. Nietzsche is borderline impossible to read but I still love that fella. I was about to call him the n-word but I was like hey maybe let’s not do that...kay?
Camus wrote The Myth of Sisyphus and The Stranger. He wrote other stuff too but those are the most famous I think. But anyway, I don’t know much about absurdism yet. I want to read a couple of his books and learn more about it and get a better idea.
I think the idea behind it is kind of like, well, life is completely absurd. It is ridiculous that people do anything at all because nothing really matters end of the day. In fact, it’s absurd that people don’t just kill themselves!
But then finding reasons not to kill yourself is cool and fun or something? I don’t know.
That’s why I like reading. Because there are all these books that I want to read and I’ll probably never read all of them before I die. But as I stack new books on the shelf that I’ve read, that feels pretty cool and I never feel bad about reading a book.
Except for The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck. I regretted reading that. Because it was really bad. But besides that book, I haven’t regretted anything I think.
Oh wait! You know the book Infinite Jest? That book should be called This Book Fucking Blows Don’t Read it. That’s one of the worst books that has ever been written. And I only read about 50 pages of it, and I am absolutely certain that it is one of the 5 worst books ever written.
Usually I’m kind of like a completionist with books. I pick one up, I really need to finish it I don’t give up on books easily.
I am so grateful that I gave up on Infinite Jest. I never would have forgiven myself if I wasted so much valuable time on that 1,000 page pile of shit.
And I know some of you love that book. Some of you...for some of you that is your favorite book. And you are saying “well Dave, that’s just your opinion.”
I’m here to tell you this: that is not just my opinion. That is a fact. Infinite Jest blows. You are wrong. You are lying to yourself. You have investment bias because it took you a long time to read. Now, you simply refuse to acknowledge the fact that it is a terrible book. Allow me to acknowledge it for you. It is a terrible book. That’s all. Let it go. Good….gooood.
What is there to say that hasn’t already been said?
The above writing will be published and it will sit on every bookshelf in America.
Once proper translations are produced, it will sit on damn near every bookshelf in the world.
People will claim that it changed their life. People will say things like this:
“There are two phases of my life. The phase of my life before I read the legendary work of Dave Namery, and the phase of my life after I read the legendary work of Dave Namery”
Blind people will be able to read this. There won’t be any copies made in braille. But simply by holding the book and feeling the power, they will have their vision restored and the first thing they will do is read this text and it will be so powerful to their new, now working eyes, too powerful in fact, so powerful that it will cause them to become blind all over again.
So they will need to buy another copy of the book so they can have their vision restored, only this time they won’t read the book causing themselves to once again become blind.
But I don’t really care because I’ll still be getting my PASSIVE INCOME.
Which is why, to bring it all back in such an artful and intelligent way, I am going to title this work: How to Make Reliable Passive Income.
It would’ve been so perfect if I could’ve ended it right there^
That was the way I wanted to end it, but obviously something had to go wrong. There aren’t enough words. From this point right here I need about 500. Which is so easy!
I can’t believe we made it this far, gang. We grew a lot. There were ups and downs. I think I called you a cuck a few times. I think at several points I had arguments with my brain. But we finally came to an understanding.
I think that’s what this was really about, no? Coming together in a time of crisis. Really understanding one another. Really hearing one another.
Naturally, some of you will be confused by that. You will think that, perhaps, you read the wrong thing. You are thinking, “why...that’s not at all what this essay...this thing was about.”
Well once again, and trust me when I say that no one is surprised, you are wrong! You simply failed to grasp the sub text. You need to work on your critical thinking skills, bucko.
If you failed this simple test of reading comprehension, I feel deeply sorry for your loved ones. They need to deal with you, and you have proven through this failure that you are simply a burden.
Aw, don’t feel bad, I still love you :)
But your family doesn’t.
That’s the point I’m trying to make here.
I’m all you got.
So when I say pick up arms and fight for my cause, you know I’m saying that because it’s in your best interest.
And when I say “pick up arms” I’m talking about weapons.
Some of you are so vaccinated that you’re like, “why would I pick up arms? That’s gross!”
Yeah. I agree. So don’t do that. Pick up a gun (which will soon be outlawed) and assassinate everyone who needs to be assassinated until I can slip in there like the slimy Jew that I am and take this naish over.
Some of you may have noticed that I said “naish” twice throughout the duration of this piece. Well, three times now.
Some of you understood. You are my true children. You are the God Emperor’s chosen few.
You understood that I was saying an abbreviated form of “nation”.
The issue with shortening a word like “nation” is that, if I shortened it to “nat” you would think I’m talking about a little, annoying fly.
I needed to create something that would look like it sounds. Thus: naish.
I suppose there are different ways I could’ve done it. That’s what I decided upon. You don’t like it? Well, you are no child of this God Emperor.
Look, I get it. You’re mad. You’re mad because I say mean things about you. Because I say you are pathetic. Because I say your favorite book sucks. Because I say you are vaccinated (retarded). Because I call you a cuck sometimes. Because I expect you to comprehend strange abbreviations that I make up that probably most people would understand.
But I only do that because I love you. I know what you are capable of. God Emperor just wants you to be the best version of yourself! God Emperor is now speaking about himself in the third person. But you saw that coming, didn’t you?
I guess at the end of the day, when it’s all said and done, it really comes down to one thing. This one, deeply exceedingly important thing. This thing that can change your entire life for the better. To make reliable passive income, just