• Dave Namery

5 Best Value Murder Weapons

(This is a satirical article. Please don't take it seriously.)

Every year, roughly 15,000 people are murdered in the United States. But that number could potentially be a lot higher. So, why do people decide against murder?

Well, for some people it could be a morality issue. Plenty of citizens would not be able to live with themselves if they committed such a heinous act.

For others, it is a matter of the law. There is a portion of our population who are perfectly capable of committing murder and would be able to live with themselves after having done so. However, they fear the legal risks associated with a crime like murder.

And then there is the third category: People who are mentally capable of murder and have no fear of legal ramifications. Ok, so why don't they murder? Chill out, I'm gonna answer that question in the next sentence. Jesus. Relax.

Well, their problem is that they cannot afford a murder weapon! I mean ask yourself, how many times would you have committed a murder in cold blood if only you had access to a murder weapon that wouldn't break the bank? For me, it's eleven. That's a lot of missed opportunities!

In this article I am going to list 5 of the best value murder weapons, including pictures and links to Amazon! You might notice that there are no guns on the list. Well, I don't respect that kind of murder. That's messed up. Be a little more creative for crying out loud.

1. Xinan Samurai Katana

What more artful way to take a life than with a beautifully crafted, Japanese Katana? You've seen Kill Bill haven't you? It looks fun! And this Xinan Samurai Katana allows you to do the deed in style, with hand crafted, hard carbon steel and a lovely emerald handle.

Pros: Sleek Design, Hand Crafted Steel, Comfortable Weight

Cons: Could Have Trouble Cutting Through Bone

2. X-Bull 20-Inch Gas Powered Chainsaw

Ah, so you have a penchant for the theatrical? The chainsaw can be a really solid option when committing any crime. The sound strikes fear into the heart of most victims, that is for sure. If you are considering the X-Bull as your weapon, keep in mind that things are going to get messy!

Pros: High Power, Terrifying, Gruesome

Cons: 17 pounds, Spark Plug Issues

3. 1844 Helko Werk Woodworker Axe

If there is one thing Germany is known for, it's murder. If there is a second thing Germany is known for, it's making quality products. That makes this easily one of the best murder weapons on the list. Now, for an axe it is somewhat expensive, but this is a job you're going to want to do right, and one swing of this master crafted blade is probably all it will take!

Pros: German Quality, Leather Sheath Included, Lightweight

Cons: Could be Sharper

4. Easton Pro 110 Ash Wood Baseball Bat

Sometimes we need to go back to the basics, and back to what makes us American. Baseball bats might be an Italian preference when it comes to murder, but baseball is America's pastime! Plus, not everyone wants a sharp weapon, some people prefer something blunt! Easton makes some of the best bats one the market, and when you take a look at that incredible ash wood you can see exactly how focused they are on quality.

Pros: Amazing Wooden Design, Very Balanced Feel, Made in USA

Cons: You'll be Doing Most of the Work (while murdering, I mean)

5. Centerpoint Sniper 370 Crossbow

Perhaps the person you are dealing with is bigger and stronger than you. How will you deal with that? Projectiles! That's how David dealt with Goliath, after all. And the crossbow still has a degree of difficulty that will leave you feeling good about your kill. The Centerpoint 370 has a 185-pound draw weight, integrated string suppressors, and a serious scope for accuracy.

Pros: Kill from a Distance, Adjustable Stock, Great Warranty

Cons: If you Miss you Might be Fucked


Deciding to murder can be a big decision, and you want to make sure you do it right! You might end up going to jail or getting yourself killed in the process, so it is important to be equipped with something you feel comfortable with.

It should be noted that I am in no way endorsing murder, I think murder is very wrong. However, if you are absolutely going to murder and there is nothing I can do to stop you, I would at the very least like to help you do so in a cost effective way where you are still getting a good, reliable murder weapon.

Any of the items listed above can be an excellent option for your upcoming kill!

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